And we're baaaack!

No magical song today.

I have been overloaded at work with a MAJOR event that happened last Friday. It went swimmingly. The largest event I've done so far, with over 1500 people. We had only glowing reviews from all involved, it was major. But it took up 110% if my time. I was literally working until 10pm and on the weekend. Madness. So this week, I have my kids on a wonky schedule again because of it as "make up" time.

The kids have been better, and not better. Interacting with them had been harder, and easier. I have certainly been more proud of my own responses as of late, which is good. And I think it's helping to create a more even tone between us. Which is nice. But there's a lot of "NO" going on when I ask K to do things. Which of course F learns to respond that way as well. I am going to check back into counseling with K. I think it's a great way for me to learn some parental skills and tools. I mentioned it casually at the last dr appt with F and got some follow up calls from some social workers with some information that will be helpful, now that I have time to look at it. I think we can all benefit from it in some way or another.

I am excited about an upcoming trip to visit my sister in Mass in Dec. I will be there for 9 days. I decided today that I might as well spread out and go see some friends that I've kept in touch with that live around there too. Should be a lot of fun. The trains go every where I want to go and that way I don't need to worry about driving in that weather.

Things with D are going really well. I am growing board of dating. I have a couple of viable options right now, but I am making myself unavailable to meet them based on how much time I spend with D. Which, to be honest, is just fine with me. He's teaching me how to be respected and cherished and those are really rare things to come by. Allowing myself to be treated that well is something new for me too. It's amazing to realize how different life can be when someone treats you with respect. And I am learning a lot about how to be in a relationship too. Because I feel like a different person with D. A better, new improved version of me. We're talking about "me for you, and you for me only" options. I don't think I am done completely with the dating scene yet. Still seeing the value in it, so I'll continue to do it until I don't. Either way, I am really, really enjoying being with D, and have certainly grown to love him at this point. We've been telling each other that for awhile now since I finally decided to listen to my heart, rather than my head. He still makes my stomach do that little jump when he's near. I love it.

Feeling nostalgic, I went back to Daisies for the first time in a REALLY long time today. Not sure why. But I did. Was surprised to find J is not using it. I sort of figured he'd keep it up as an outlet. It was touching to read our last few entries. I didn't go beyond the first page. Not sure what the goal was there. Maybe to see if I am remembered. I certainly remember him, a lot. But I have to say, it's less frequently than it used to be. I hope it's the same for him.

Weather is turning cooler, allergies are back. Things are looking brighter in this crisp fall air. My favorite holiday is coming up, get your pumpkins out. Hope things are well with everyone else too. : )

Weird spot

I am in a weird mood today. D mentioned via email this morning that he'd had a girl over to the house last night. This was only after I had txt'd him last night to ask if I could call him. Didn't hear back from him for awhile, then his response was "Out for a bit." To which I replied, "Going to bed, night." I was pretty sure he was on a date, even though that wasn't the "protocol" we discussed which would have been "I am busy." Semantics I know, but, out for a bit could have been with buddies, his son etc.

This morning I get an email letting me know that he had someone over, she's interested in getting into a more serious relationship with him, but he's losing interest because he just thinks about me when he's with other people. And "did I do that?"

Well, yeah.

So now I am in this mental funk visualizing him having someone at his house. Where I sit. Where I eat. Where I am.

Not likin' those thoughts very much.

And now I get where he was coming from when we discussed me and my dates in the past. I really thought that I wasn't the jealous type. Does it mean I care more than I thought because it bothers me? That's his take on it when I shared how I felt. I dunno. It may just be part of my expansion and growing through the dating process.

I will say, I cut it off tonight with 3 guys I had gone out on dates with. I did it over text too, is that TOTALY gutless or what? Something along the lines of "I feel like I am not being completely upfront with you. After mentally reviewing our evening, I didn't feel a connection on my part with you. So I wouldn't mind staying in touch with you as friends, but I think that would be the extent of it. No hard feelings?"
They were all very gracious and replied with, no hard feelings, best of luck etc. I just felt like I was leading them all on with the hopes that, oh, they may invite me to their house in San Carlos, etc. Lame. Materialistic. User. I didn't like thinking of myself that way. So, I cut it off. Feel better about myself now. Which is great. And a start. Now I just need to work on those other things I am having an issue with myself over:
Running
Parenting
Time Management
Staying on task at work

That's a good list to start with. I am pretty happy beyond that to be honest. But we all have those little areas we feel like we could improve ourselves. I need to start using "can do" statements. I CAN do that. I can find/make the time to run more to help me keep my weight at a level I want, I can be a better mom, I can be a better, more productive employee etc. Also using these with my kids. Already noticing a difference. Seems to be a good start.

For HNT I'll do one of my "thoughtful" poses. Be sure to check out Os to see who else is playing.

He loves me, he loves me not

I'm not myself tonight, Christina Aguilera's new single. It's yummy and so is the video, hhhoooootttt! I counted 12 outfit changes. It seems she has a latex fetish happening. Or maybe that's just her alter persona. We all have one. Or two...

I have been doing some soul searching lately and been trying to analyze why I continue with some of my self destructive behaviors. So in an effort to be the best ME, I am stopping some of those things. And pursing others that I've let fall to the side. Being honest with myself is a start, then that radiates out to others. Other feelings, other decisions, other people, etc.

Well, just an update. Wrong Number Dave has apparently lost that lovin' feeling. Haven't heard from him in a few weeks at this point. No biggie. He was a fabulous starting point and helped me with some additions to my list. What list? you ask. Oh, well Astrologer Dawn insists that everyone create a list of all of the qualities you're looking for in a man. And then a list of all the qualities you have to offer in a relationship. It's a working document, obviously. And each man at the "Man Mall" as she has dubbed it, will help me to get closer to the "ideal" partner for me. I am looking forward to fine tuning it. Maybe I'll post it another time.

Until then I am looking, but not touching.

I'll leave you with a favorite photo. She's entirely too skinny for my tastes, but it's a great photo with the many implications. It has stopped me every time I've come across it on Alexa's tumblr. It resonates as SEXY to me. Good night.