And we're baaaack!

No magical song today.

I have been overloaded at work with a MAJOR event that happened last Friday. It went swimmingly. The largest event I've done so far, with over 1500 people. We had only glowing reviews from all involved, it was major. But it took up 110% if my time. I was literally working until 10pm and on the weekend. Madness. So this week, I have my kids on a wonky schedule again because of it as "make up" time.

The kids have been better, and not better. Interacting with them had been harder, and easier. I have certainly been more proud of my own responses as of late, which is good. And I think it's helping to create a more even tone between us. Which is nice. But there's a lot of "NO" going on when I ask K to do things. Which of course F learns to respond that way as well. I am going to check back into counseling with K. I think it's a great way for me to learn some parental skills and tools. I mentioned it casually at the last dr appt with F and got some follow up calls from some social workers with some information that will be helpful, now that I have time to look at it. I think we can all benefit from it in some way or another.

I am excited about an upcoming trip to visit my sister in Mass in Dec. I will be there for 9 days. I decided today that I might as well spread out and go see some friends that I've kept in touch with that live around there too. Should be a lot of fun. The trains go every where I want to go and that way I don't need to worry about driving in that weather.

Things with D are going really well. I am growing board of dating. I have a couple of viable options right now, but I am making myself unavailable to meet them based on how much time I spend with D. Which, to be honest, is just fine with me. He's teaching me how to be respected and cherished and those are really rare things to come by. Allowing myself to be treated that well is something new for me too. It's amazing to realize how different life can be when someone treats you with respect. And I am learning a lot about how to be in a relationship too. Because I feel like a different person with D. A better, new improved version of me. We're talking about "me for you, and you for me only" options. I don't think I am done completely with the dating scene yet. Still seeing the value in it, so I'll continue to do it until I don't. Either way, I am really, really enjoying being with D, and have certainly grown to love him at this point. We've been telling each other that for awhile now since I finally decided to listen to my heart, rather than my head. He still makes my stomach do that little jump when he's near. I love it.

Feeling nostalgic, I went back to Daisies for the first time in a REALLY long time today. Not sure why. But I did. Was surprised to find J is not using it. I sort of figured he'd keep it up as an outlet. It was touching to read our last few entries. I didn't go beyond the first page. Not sure what the goal was there. Maybe to see if I am remembered. I certainly remember him, a lot. But I have to say, it's less frequently than it used to be. I hope it's the same for him.

Weather is turning cooler, allergies are back. Things are looking brighter in this crisp fall air. My favorite holiday is coming up, get your pumpkins out. Hope things are well with everyone else too. : )

SON SLEEP

It must be that anything else is infinitely more interesting that what he's doing (nothing) while he's trying to go to sleep. That's the only reason I can think of that my youngest won't go to sleep. He's in the hall right now, wondering where I am, how long will it be before I come find him and take him back to his bed? Could he make it, say, down the hall...? What if he's suuuuuuuuppperrrrr quieeetttt? I know he's tired. It's evident in the eyes he can barely keep open. He tried to keep himself awake by SCCRREEEAAMMMINNNG while in his bath.

*sigh* (Sade take me away, my Calgon moment.)

"Inside voice please. That hurts my ears and I don't like it."

"It hurts my ears too," says older brother (really? this from the child who was screaming himself mere moments ago.)

Luckily now older brother is fast asleep. Apparent by the (fake) snoring when I go to put little brother back to bed. Sigh, this whole single parenting this is hard. I will fully admit it. But to be perfectly honest, it's really not any harder than doing it with a spouse. It's just a matter of controlling myself better. THAT is the hard part. I am sometimes disappointed in myself as a person and a parent when I lose my temper. I can't expect them to behave when I can't control myself. I have to lead by example. THAT is the hard part.

SON SLEEP SON SLEEP SON SLEEP SON SLEEP SON SLEEP

It becomes my mantra. I see the words in my mind's eye. I whisper the words out loud, a quiet meditation to the gods of sleep. I feel the WEIGHT of the words (and his eyelids closing). I push the words upon his person through my mind. I AM the words. SON SLEEP. Sometimes he just has to get upset, cry and then he falls asleep. Whatever it takes at that point, 2 hours after his bed time is a little ridiculous and hard to deal with. I feel selfish longing for the nights when they aren't here.

Does that make me a bad parent?

Maybe, but it doesn't make it any less true. I am a person who likes their along time. The time to peruse the web, searching for that next fix. That next touch with a like mind. Hoping there's something in our spot. Wishing I wasn't hoping. But I am. I do.

Sade soothes me: "But a  voice inside me said, said there's something that you need to know oh: It's gonna be alright."